Five things ‘Pretty Little Liars’ needs to explain right now

Dead girls can't smile... Photo from Zap 2 It.

Dead girls can’t smile… Photo from Zap 2 It.

Being a “Pretty Little Liars” fan is hard work. What we thought was an awesome show about murder, expertly applied eyeliner and female friendship has become a hot mess of inexplicable character development and terrible Aeropostale-sponsored outfits. We love it either way, but ABC Family has some serious explaining to do. Here are the five things PLL needs to sort out if they want to get back on top of their glossy, blood-splattered game.

What’s actually going on with Mike? Hello, we know Mona’s not dating him for the troubled-but-cute factor. First of all, something else happened the night he hooked up with Hanna. She’s not really the type to get embarrassed about her love life, and she’s definitely the least likely to lie to her friends. Unless it’s really important. These girls have been through hell and back, so why is kissing some middle schooler a million years ago such a big deal? Hanna obviously read something in Alison’s diary she couldn’t let Aria see. We’re about to learn something devastating about the Montgomery family, and Ali probably caught a glimpse of it that night. What could it be? Probably something to do with Mike’s still-unexplained mental illness, and whatever horrifically cruel thing Ali did to trigger it.

Ezra is the actual worst. Photo from Eric McCandless/ABC Family.

Ezra is the actual worst. Photo from Eric McCandless/ABC Family.

Is Ezra really A? What up, Board Shorts? Here’s the thing about Ezra—he’s different from the other members of the A-team. His Ravenswood lair wasn’t dark and dingy, full of creepy dolls and grotesque, mutilated images of the girls. It’s full of light, super-organized and plastered with gorgeous poster-size shots of Alison. It’s a shrine. And it looks like he’s building a new one to Aria. Apparently, Ezra’s been obsessed with teenage girls since his college days, and he’ll get Ali back any way he can—including dating her friends. Cute. But is he really on the A-team? Right now, all signs point to yes, but PLL always does the exact opposite of what we expect. Homeboy’s definitely evil, but maybe he’s just trying to find Alison before A does, so he can keep her forever.

Which DiLaurentis killed Toby’s mom? Oh, hey Toby. Almost forgot about you and your boring storyline again. So, your mom was definitely murdered, but it was an “accident.” Okay, and that blonde girl Dr. Palmer told her to stay away from was what, a ghost? It became all too obvious when Spencer overheard her father arguing with Mrs. DiLaurentis (who just happens to be on the board at Radley). The person who needs “protecting” is either Ali or her yet-to-be-revealed crazy twin sister from the book series. If Alison is trying to cover up a stint (and a murder) at Radley, could that be why A is after her in the first place? Awesome plot twist: Toby’s known the truth the whole time and is still on the A-team so he can make Ali pay. What? It could happen.

Melissa, if you could let us know if you're alive or not, that'd be cool. Photo from TV Chat.

Melissa, if you could let us know if you’re alive or not, that’d be cool. Photo from TV Chat.

Where the hell is ___? Unless you’re one of the main five, PLL has a tendency to drop characters out of nowhere. The explanation for their absence is long forgotten by the time they finally show up again (seriously, where is Lucas?) and every character who leaves gets at least three more randos to replace them. Just when we were starting to accept Cece as a major supporting player, she vanished. Same with Jason. And Melissa. And Wren. Introducing so many new suspects takes away a lot of the suspense that made the show so great in its earlier seasons. Maybe my sister murdered my friend is a lot more compelling than literally everyone I’ve ever met tried to murder my friend. Here’s a simple rule most good TV mysteries follow: The killer is always someone who appeared in the pilot episode. It’s just good manners.

Why is everyone obsessed with underage girls? And why is no one doing anything about it? Every time one of these girls cozies up to yet another cute cop, why is no one like, “hey, maybe he’s 30 and a weirdo.” Kudos to ABC Family for not shoving any morals down our throats, but this is one of those issues that maybe we should be warning young viewers about. It’s really not cool to date your teacher/coach/sister’s fiancé/policeman solving your friend’s murder. These aren’t relationships, they’re power plays. Ezra’s passive-aggressive I’m the one you should be closest to speech to reads like textbook emotional abuse. “Hi, I love you, will you please just stay in this cabin while I try to kill your friends?” So romantic. Please make it clear that these guys are horrible, like, right now.

What are your PLL theories? Why are there so many creepers in Rosewood? Leave us a comment or tweet us @SpeakeasyMag and let us know what you think!

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