Welcome to our first round of Speaksleazy: the advice column where two of our staff writers give relationship/sex/weird stupid advice to people who are nice enough to think we can help them with their problems.
You have something on your brain about guys? What about females? How about silverback gorilla mating habits?
NL: stands for the illustrious Nikki.
CM: stands for the uncompromising beacon of justice that is Conor.
Let’s get started.
1. Big surprise! The first question is about drinking. An anonymous person asked: “I’m 20, but the dude I’m talking to is 21. I wanna go to the bars with him when he goes, but I don’t have a fake and I’m nervous. What do I do?”
NL: “Here’s my advice. Hire a private investigator to stalk the owner of any given bar on Court. Find out where he keeps his keys. Steal them. Figure out when nobody is in said bar, and sneak in at that time. Find a crawl space and camp out until happy hour. (Bring snacks.) When the time is right, emerge from the darkness, find your man and make him buy you a drink for your determination.
So my question is: Is this dude worth waiting around all day in a cramped, musty corner for 10 hours? If not, is he at least worth feeling uncomfortable by getting a fake? Plenty of people have fakes, and plenty of people don’t want to take the risk. Either is your choice. But you can’t lie to yourself about whether or not it stresses you out. And relationships aren’t about feeling uncomfortable; they should be fun, easy and free of anxiety. If you really feel the stars align whenever you make eye contact, well, good on you and do what you’ve gotta do. If not—and if he’s not willing to occasionally hang out elsewhere so you feel more at ease—you might need chalk it up as a good, fun connection you had with someone who didn’t quite work out, and throw it in your box of good memories. There’s no shame in that.”
CM: “Girl, all I’m saying is you need to do what YOU wanna do. You hear what I’m sayin? You wanna be your own beautiful magically sparkly tropical bird soaring into the sunset with your own beautiful opposite half flapping beside you. Everyone does. It’s the dream. (Somebody’s dream, anyway.)
But on the real though; assuming you’re a sophomore or a junior by now, you’ve been around OU long enough to form your own opinion on whether you want to be hanging out underage at a bar. Don’t let him change your behavior at all if you don’t feel like it needs to be changed. You’ll have plenty of time to hang out with him when he’s not boozin’, hopefully, or you guys just end up boozin’ together at a non-bar locale.
Honestly, it’s not a big deal. If it becomes a problem at all then talk each other through your differing ideas of where you should party just like the two lovebirds you know you are. Or not. Whatever. I don’t care. I’m not paid to do this.”
2. We decided to let Nikki tackle this one on her own. We’re so proud of her. Anonymous asked, “do girls like chest hair or should i shave?”
NL: “Should you shave your chest hair… If you want to get women, no. If you want to look like one, yes. Up to you.”
3. Conor specifically requested to answer this (also) anonymously asked question: “What do you do when you get a boner when grinding?”
CM: “Dude you just gotta tuck it up against your chest as much as you can and just not give a f*ck bro, if she’s already dancing all up on you like that she must already want it dude come on duh.
Forreal, dude? I have no clue. I’m not the girl involved in that equation so… I dunno, I’m leaning toward “it’s more awkward the less drunk you are.” So depending on how sober you two are, the social intricacies of popping a boner becomes less and less relevant. Just be careful, eh? Especially if (heaven forbid!) it’s somebody who you don’t know very well–in that case some sort of discrete apology plus sheepish grin combo might be in order.
Next week we wants LOTS of questions asked of our expert staff. Who knows? Maybe we may let somebody else on staff get a chance to speak their mind about your hard-kept secrets.
Anybody who has a question can comment anonymously or with their name at the bottom of the page, and we’ll pick the best ones to answer for next week.
Those who wanna remain SUPER SECRETIVE can email Conor at firstname.lastname@example.org and he promises he won’t tell who you are, and won’t talk about how embarrassing your life is until the next publication of Speaksleazy. Sound good?
Did you absolutely love/hate what Conor and Nikki had to say? Tweet at @speakeasymag and tell us your beef (we promise we’ll be much nicer than these two).