Athens Under Attack!: Surviving the Zombie Invasion 101

As college students at Ohio University and residents of the lovely city of Athens, what should your main concern be? Maybe the big exam you have this week, not failing a really hard class you have no idea why you have to take it because, does it really have anything to do with your major? Or maybe you are wondering where you are going to party next weekend, no judgments here. But what you should be worried about is a little something I like to call a good old-fashioned zombie invasion. Now laugh if you wish, but this is truly no laughing matter. When the zombies decide to take over OU, you should be prepared to survive or you can prepare to become zombie chow, take your pick.

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Preparing to survive the zombies will obviously take some time, it’s not something you can do last minute, unlike your English paper; this cannot wait until the night before. Procrastination will not be your friend here, careful planning is what you are looking for. So, if you are committed to starting your preparations, we can get started.

First things first, what exactly is a zombie? According to a zombie is either A) a drink made with several types of rum and citrus juice, and apricot liqueur or B) the body of a dead person that has been given the semblance of life. I believe it is safe to say we are talking about the second definition — who would really be afraid of a delicious sounding drink? And last I checked, alcohol probably can’t stage an invasion. Dead bodies though, they like eating people and probably can. Not just probably, they will eventually. Which is what this is all about.

Now that we know what a zombie is, how can you tell who is a zombie and who is not a zombie? A few things to keep in mind, zombies do not talk. They might make groaning sounds, but you won’t be striking up any kind of conversation with them at a party. But how do you know that guy across the room isn’t just shy or wasn’t interested in talking to you? Good question! Zombies move sort of funny, they don’t quite have the graceful dancer moves going on anymore. Zombies are rigid and move in more of a lurching manner, unless you go for the whole “28 Weeks Later” type of zombies, who run like maniacs, but that’s just silly because zombies can’t run. Obviously, whoever thought of that was just being ridiculous. But the lurching movement is not to be mistaken with someone who is just really ungraceful and clumsy or a drunk kid trying to stumble home. Neither of these is a zombie. Zombies also don’t get drunk.

Now the main characteristic of a zombie is of course is that they are already dead. If you see a dead person walking around, well… ZOMBIE! It doesn’t get much simpler than that, honestly. We should all be able to recognize those three warning characteristics. Identifying a zombie is most important, you have to know your enemy before you can protect yourself.

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