Welcome to the second episode of Speaksleazy, where our staff members Nikki Lanka and Conor Morris dish out kind-of helpful advice about things you may or may not want to know the answer to. You can find our questions and answers from last week here.
The best part? No topics are taboo for us heathens! Take a look at this week’s topics below and see what we have to say on a whole array of hot-button (sorta) issues.
NL: is Nikki Lanka, speaking directly to the primeval animal spirit that is your soul.
CM: is Conor Morris. He’s pretty handsome.
1. Our first question this time around is about trying to romance while under the influence:
“I really really like this one guy, but I can’t talk to him unless I’m super f*cked up. And then when I’m blackout drunk or really stoned I can never remember what I say to him. Then it’s awkward cuz like what if I accidentally told him something really embarrassing about myself like how orange juice gives me really bad gas? I can never muster up enough courage to talk to him sober and I feel like that may be a problem?” -that one girl
NL: I think you haven’t yet realized just how brilliant a situation you’ve landed yourself in. Here’s a human being who probably knows more about you than you know about you, and has probably already figured out the exact depths of your drunken little soul. I would just assume you’ve already told him every embarrassing thing about yourself and go forward with the shameless attitude. If he already knows your weak bowels quiver at the scent of citrus and heard your long-winded account of the time you smacked your best friend’s ass in CVS before realizing it was your econ teacher (was that just me?), you really can’t fall any further. So don’t lower yourself to small talk—next time you cross his path when you aren’t 10 lemon drop shots deep and tripping on bath salts or whatever, lead with the time you pissed your pants in public at your first N*Sync concert because dear Jesus, is Justin Timberlake perfect or is he perfect. Or maybe that was just me again.
CM: Hey “that one girl,” don’t be so nervy around that guy. He probably gets really bad gas from fruit juices too or something equally silly. This kind of goes back to the idea of “everybody poops.” Except uhh… I’m trying to relate this toward a more helpful avenue, in that people are all made up of *generally* the same stuff. No matter how intimidated you might be by this guy, he’s just that—a person. There’s no real reason NOT to try to talk to him.
Start with basic stuff during non-drunk communication: what kinds of things do you have in common? If you don’t know, just ask him. If he even shows the slightest bit of interest in you (or himself if he has a any kind of ego) he’ll tell you stuff.
If you still can’t bring yourself to talk to him when you’re sober, then just talk drunken/high nonsense to him until he either hates you or thinks it’s cute how insane you are. Disclaimer: it’ll probably be the first one.
2. This next question is about naming genita–wait, seriously? Thanks to the anonymous person for this perfect question: “is it weird if I name my boyfriend’s penis?”
CM: No. Everything should be named. Preferably give it a name that makes him feel insignificant, weird or emasculated, like “dinky” or “Bob Saget” or “Short Round.”
NL: I second Conor. Penis names are the best. I wish I had one just so I could name it Iron Man. But if the name is your choice, you have to let him return the favor. So tread carefully, my friend, in order to preserve the dignity of your lady parts.
3. This question was slipped under a public restroom stall door to Nikki by an anonymous person: “what does it mean when the guy I like always pees with the door open around me?”
NL: Idk what to say about this. I think I need more context before jumping to any rash conclusions. First of all, I’m assuming that this is a bathroom door we’re speaking about and not, like, the laundry room door. Because if the problem was “why does they guy I like always pee in my washer” you would have specified. I’m also assuming that because you described him as “the guy I like” and not “they guy who I’m sleeping with” that you are not, in fact, sleeping with him. Going forward with those two assumptions, I’m going to infer that this particular individual is using you for your toilet. Have you ever actually seen his house? Can you be SURE it was HIS house, and not just a house he knows is usually unlocked? It’s nothing to be ashamed of, but the first step is admitting the problem exists. And really, it’s not his fault that you’re enabling him with free access to a toilet. You just need to watch your throne closer.
CM: Generally, it means that either A.) he’s comfortable enough around you to not care if you see his dingus or not or B.) he doesn’t give a sh*t if anybody sees his dingus.
I wouldn’t read too much into it, though.
Well, this week’s questions were certainly… interesting. Do you also have some weird problems that we could have some modicum of insight into? Even if not, submit your questions anyway! We’re looking for any and all problems relating to relationships, romance, sex, parties, substance use/abuse or anything else that would get the FCC to take a closer look at our humble little operation.
Ask away in an anonymous question in the comment section below, or email Conor at firstname.lastname@example.org (using an anonymous email address, if you prefer).
Thanks for reading, everyone! Tune in next week for more of us speakin’ real sleazy-like.
Tweet all about your love of Nikki and Conor at @speakeasymag, or just tell us about how much they stink and how they didn’t answer your question about how to love an iguana properly.