You Don’t Have Enough Badges to Train Me: So you think your date is a vampire (a step-by-step guide)

So you think your date is really a denizen of the dark, a devourer of damsels, an immortal incubus?

But enough about Tom Cruise. Photo by Rotten Tomatoes.

In any case, there is one thing you should ask yourself, besides “How on Earth did I end up dating a bloodsucking demon of the underworld?”

Oh, right. Photo by

That question is, “How do I get out of this without getting the most extreme of all neck piercings?” Well, it turns out that you need help, and right fast, so of course you jumped on your iPhone (I’m not sure why, but I picture someone who would date a literal vampire as the sort of person who would have an iPhone)  and came straight away to Speakeasy and this blog. This is because you are awesome.

It must be the individuality. Photo by

OK, well you’re already at dinner. First thing, then – garlic. Vampires can’t stand garlic – since it’s used as a purifier, it is anathema to the creatures.

So, your course is clear. You see that hole in your face you call your mouth?

Stuff it full of garlic.

Good job, you ate all of – Whoof. Maybe you should have included a mint in that main course. Oh, well, continue to stage two: Stakes.

Not these, for the spelling impaired. Photo by photobucket.

There are always hardware stores around, whether you’re in a small town or a big city, so load up. An entire outfit made out of wooden spikes lets that stalker of the night know you mean business.

So now – wow. Sheesh, you didn’t scrimp on the stake thing, did you? You need to be careful – you could put an eye out with that thing. Well, here’s an eye patch, just in case.

Anyways, now that you’re protected, it’s time for you to go on the offensive. First thing’s first – let’s get you a silver cross. Unfortunately, it’s kinda late at night… what? You know a 24-hour silversmith? Well, that’s, um…well, that’s… hmm. That’s really weird, actually. But oh, well, since you’re in the neighborhood, you might as well just grab the biggest one they have.

Hey, welcome ba-holy crap. How the… How did you get that out of the store? Don’t give me that crap that you carried it, that thing’s at least six feet tall. I mean, it must weigh, like, three of you. *Sighs heavily* Oh, who cares?

Well, hitch up the cross-mobile, it’s time to go to church.

At least you’ll be popular with that cross. Photo by

Now, go ask for – nay, demand some holy water. It is for your protection, after all. What, they don’t have any? Well, that’s because this is a synagogue, dummy. You’re looking for one of those ancient Catholic deals.

OK, good, so you have the – whoa, are you OK? You look like you were just in a fight. You’re kidding me, the priest didn’t want to give you the holy water? That’s weird… then where did you get that flask? You did what? You beat up a priest? You beat up a priest. You beat up a f@#$ing priest!

Pictured: you, in 50-90 years. Photo by photobucket.

Well, I hope you’re happy. Yes, I know you’re safe now, but you didn’t need to assault a holy man.

Oh, you hear that? That’s the police. I’m out of here. Just explain it to them, I’m sure you’ll be fine. I mean, my advice has been good so far, right?

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