Greetings, lovelies! Welcome back to our third edition of Speaksleazy — an advice column where we talk about problems YOU submit to us, regardless of how weird they are.
As always, Nikki Lanka and Conor Morris grace us with their presence, though they’re still recovering from all of the questions last week. We know how to help them out: MORE QUESTIONS!
NL: Stands for Nikki Lanka and her imaginary pet Komodo dragon (shhh, don’t tell her it’s not real).
CM: Stands for Conor Morris, still recovering from the huge fusillade of tuna sandwiches people threw at him over the weekend.
1. Big surprise! Our first question, asked by the illustrious “Mr. Incredible” in our comment section, is about penises:
“You know that old scenario where the 12-year-old boy gets his first hard-on in math class in like, the 7th grade, and gets called up to the board to solve a problem while he has this hunk of wood in his pants? When is an acceptable age for that to stop happening?”
CM: Yeah dude, I totally know that feel. Just do what I do and carry around a “boner hammer” that you use to hit your dong whenever you seem to be getting an unnecessary rise out of a situation.
As to when it’s acceptable for that to stop happening? Never.
Next question, please.
NL: I think the acceptable age is pretty regional. You’ll be judged pretty hardcore if it stops before age 15 in the Northern US but I know the further south you go the older you’re supposed to be before it starts. But that’s just a rule of thumb. Canada expects it until like, 25.
2. Next, we’ve got an email question from an anonymous person about jealousy and revenge plots. Exciting!
“So my boyfriend went to the iHeart Radio festival without me and took another girl. I know that they’re just friends but I was still jealous about it all weekend. Should I be mad at him, and if so, what revenge should I plot against him?”
NL: First of all, there’s no should or should not to being mad. You are or you aren’t. You can’t control which situations generate which emotions, so you can’t get mad at yourself for feeling angry. You can, however, get mad at yourself for how you act on that anger. SO. Go about your usual rounds of Twitter and Facebook stalking for melancholy shit like “what do I do when I just can’t choose, off to search the deepest, darkest corners of my eternally agonizing soul for the slightest relief from this bittersweet hell xoxo.” If you find something especially obvious, my favorite revenge plot is the one where you tape down the handle of his kitchen sink spray nozzle, so when he turns on the water it squirts him in the face, then you jump out all like, “Gotcha! I know what you did this weekend!” And then there’s a heartfelt moment where he says you’re the only girl for him and you hug and Cliff Huxtable comes out and says something about “now where’s my hoagie sandwich” and you’re all like, “Awww, dad!”
CM: SMASH HIS PELVIS AND CLEAVE HIS NECK MUSCLES IN TWAIN.
…But really, just talk to him about how stuff like that makes you feel. If you know they’re just friends and if you trust him enough, it should only be a minor annoyance. However, if it’s really boiling your blood then make sure your boyfriend knows it’s not something that you’re comfortable with. Just keep the battleaxe/greatsword out of the equation and you’ll be fiiine.
3. Username “anonymous and awkward” submitted this question about trying to get together with an oblivious other:
“So there’s this cute guy who apparently can’t talk to women. He’s awkward I guess. I want to talk to him but I don’t want to look stupid. I know I can’t wait for him to talk to me, because he won’t. He’s intimidated by women or something. So my question is, how do you flirt with someone who is clueless about flirting?”
CM: He sounds like a total LOSER.
Loljk even the hot man-sandwich that I am gets like that sometimes. If you have your mind set on pursuing him regardless of his poor social skills, then focus on humanizing yourself. I can’t tell you how much this helps me when I get nervous about talking to pretty ladies. We’re all people. While hanging out with him, help him realize that you both actually have plenty of common ground—movies, breathing air, a love of burritos, etc. Once you two get chummy, if he still doesn’t understand where you’re coming from then you’re most likely just going to have to lay your feelings out there. God knows it doesn’t seem like he will, so you’re going to have to do the grunt work.
NL: I advise you to begin doing things that make him forget you’re a girl. I don’t mean fart or tell masturbation jokes or whatever, though that might be effective too. But I think because we’ve been girls for sort of a long time we sometimes forget when we’re acting like girls talking to boys versus acting like humans talking to humans. I mean I try to be cool as hell when I’m talking to a cute dude, like, “Oh no, I’m not talking to you because you’re cute, I’m talking to you because I’m that cool and interesting that I talk to everyone,” but no, it’s as painfully obvious when we do it as it is when men do it. But we forget that and start acting like chicks and that freaks shy guys out. So just ask him what’s up. I don’t care what you talk about. Ask him what he thinks about Paul Ryan’s healthcare plan. If he gives you a weird look just say, “I know right, some weird girl told me to ask that as a conversation starter, talk about shitty pick up lines.”
4. Last but not least, we got a marathon question at the very last minute about online dating and discrepancies in communication. Tough stuff, but we hope our resident “experts” can help this anonymous person:
“I started talking to a guy online recently through plentyoffish.com (I know what you are thinking: sketchy, but it turns out he and I have several mutual friends as he’s from the same area as I am) and we’ve really hit it off! He’s sweet, charming and our interests are similar. After a month of talking, we went on our first date last Saturday and it was one of the best dates I’ve been on in a long time. You know, paid for dinner, lit candles, glasses of wine, the whole enchilada. However, despite getting coffee with him the day after, I’ve heard very little from him since then. We still text, but they’ve become more infrequent and the daily phone calls have become sparse. As mentioned, we have mutual friends who have told me that he’s still interested (He himself has alluded to being busy with work and video games) but I can’t seem to get past the stark difference of communication we had from before and after we met. Am I just being that paranoid, clingy nightmare of an infatuated girl, or is he just not that into me?”
NL: Calm down and drink a glass of wine. He doesn’t not like you but you’re investing too much of your interest in someone you barely know. Go learn how to ride a unicycle or something.
CM: To start with, don’t feel sketched out about your online beginnings with this guy. Online dating has become an almost-necessary part of the world now with how busy, connected and bizarre the internet can make our social lives.
As to your problems, it seems like you’ve both put a lot of investment into this new relationship, which is honestly pretty refreshing to see. AND it seems like it’s going well!
However, I’d caution against overdoing it. Daily phone calls and all of that jazz are great but eventually it gets tiresome when you know you’re both busy. You know you like him, and you’ve gotten confirmation that he’s interested in you. Just give it some time—you should start getting comfortable with not having to be connected 24/7 if this is heading to any kind of relationship.
And as always JUST TALK TO THE DUDE. If you miss the amount of communication you had before, just tell him, or ask him if something’s been bothering him. It’s a good thing to do!
Whew! That’s all we got for this week!
Thanks to everybody who felt the need to trust us with their emotional burdens, and thanks to everybody who keeps reading this and thinking we’re actually entertaining/helpful.
As always, PLEASE SUBMIT QUESTIONS! We’re willing to help with any relationship problems or qualms you have about the possibly sleazy life you lead — the sleazier, the better! Drunken mishaps, sex, dating, partying, substance use/abuse, whatever you want!
Those wishing to be anonymous can anonymously post in the comments section below, or you can email Conor at email@example.com if you have trouble posting your problems in a public forum.
In order to expedite the process, please submit your questions before Sunday at 6 p.m. if you want you want your questions answered. Sorry, we gotta give our busy relationship wizards (yeah, right) some time to work their magic!
Thanks again, everyone! See you next week!
Can’t get enough of your problems out into the public sphere at a fast enough rate? Alleviate some of your pains by complaining/tweeting at Conor, Nikki or just our general publication Twitter handle, @SpeakeasyMag. We promise we might listen.