Speaksleazy: Rubber shopping, magic numbers and helping hands

*insert “charlie brown’s life is actually really depressing” joke here*

Welcome to Speaksleazy edition number four, where Conor Morris and Nikki Lanka answer everything you’ve ever wanted to know plus more about love, life and boners. We can’t believe you guys are still reading this.

You know the drill. CM = Conor, NL = Nikki.

1. From Joenonymous,

“Speaksleazy, I need your help. Two days nights ago, I was in Walmart around 2am, hot on the case for Cheez it’s and Mountain Dew when something hit me. Recently I started living on my own and I figured I should be prepared for anything and have some condoms on hand. When I went to the health section to browse, there were so many to choose from. My question is, what are things to look for and avoid and what constitutes a “good” condom?”

CM: What I really like to do and what girls seem to like a lot is when I just buy a whole bunch of different brands of condoms for choice reasons, melt them down and then make one giant condom. Then I fill it with helium and make a makeshift hot air balloon and go up to a pretty high altitude with the girl.  And then we have sex.

But seriously, condoms are mostly a matter of fit and preference.  The most important thing is that it fits/ain’t gonna explode.  ESPECIALLY not the explosion thing.

It sounds weird but try on different ones and see which one you like BEFORE you go to do the deed. It’ll make it a bit less stressful for both of you, promise.

NL: Trojan Her Pleasure. Because, uh, reasons.

— 

2. From WhataFunSexyTimeforYou,

“I like to have sex, but I get worried about how high my “number” goes for when I start looking for a serious relationship. Do guys usually care about how high your number is? If so, what’s the cut off?”

NL: That’s the million dollar question, isn’t it? I don’t think I know any women who actually say their real number, if they even agree to give it out. It’s stupid to lie, I know. But nobody wants to be the first to call bullshit on the persistent belief that self-professed sexually active girls have some relatively low count (which is almost comical at OU considering Athens is basically the Sin City of Appalachia) and own up a number more like Adrian Peterson’s jersey than Phil Dawson’s.

There’s no magic figure. Too much sex makes you a slut. Too little makes you a prude. That’s why I don’t give mine out, and I suggest you do the same. It’s nobody’s business where you’ve been unless you want it to be, and that is not for him to decide. His only concerns should be where you are now and where you plan on going.

Enough dudes do exist who are cool enough to know it’s none of their business to pass judgment on your past sexual activity. So anyone who actually thinks that you are less desirable of a person for sleeping around a bit while you’re young and hot doesn’t deserve your time.

CM: JUST DON’T EVEN HAVE SEX IN THE FIRST PLACE GOD.

JAYKAYY.  I personally do not care about “numbers” (and even the idea of calling it a “number” is trivial in itself), but it’s a pretty sucky situation in that a lot of other people do care about how much sex their partners have had.  Oftentimes, it’s hard to blame them too because people in our current culture are often socialized to see girls who have lots of sex as “slutty” while guys who do the exact same thing are considered “studs.”  

Blah blah blah, basic gender equality stuff.  This can always be a sticky situation when you meet a guy/girl you like.  Try to test the waters, and if it seems like it’s going to be a big issue with them, either ease them into it or tell them that you’re not comfortable with sharing it because you don’t want to affect their perception of you. If they STILL care about how much sex you’ve had after being honest with them like that, then maybe a relationship between the two of you isn’t meant to work out.

3. From Anonymous,

“I think this girl I have met recently is attractive. She is a friend of a friend. What would be the best way to go at the situation? Try and do it on my own? or Have my friend help me out?

CM: Alright dude I gotchu. Here’s what you do, in an easy list format:

1. Let your bro know they gotta be your wingman/wingwoman.

2. Wait until the one you pine for is having a houseparty of his/her own, and go there with your wingman/woman.

3. Poop all over her bathroom.

4. Have your friend bring her in as you sit in the middle of the bathroom happily.

5. You’re welcome.

You uh… you should probably defer to Nikki on this one.  All I can say is flirt with her like you would with anyone else, bearing in mind how helpful having a shared friend is in setting up normal hang-out times to get to know each other better.

NL: Sometimes people tell me there was this weird world before social networking, and I think the situation you’re referring to is similar to how people used to creep on friends of friends in that era. So use him as a source of backgrounding, sure. Your dude is a fountain of knowledge on everything This Girl, from whether she’s seeing anyone to if she likes chest hair. (I suggest you get the dirt on both of those topics and discontinue your interest if the answers are yes and no, respectively.)

Beyond that, your friend should only be used as a way to end up in the same room as her. I mean don’t, like, get him to make a copy of the key to her bedroom or something, but try to tag along if they’re ever going to the same party.

Everything after that is up to you. And please, for the love of God, don’t tell your friend to tell her you like her. Let her come to her own conclusions without knowing where you already stand, or else she’ll feel overwhelmed and run away. Get her to give you the key to her bedroom by her own doing– not by your friend’s.

Thanks a million for the questions to those of you who submitted. This weird-ass column wouldn’t be possible without your support… which may actually just be your continued amazement that we’ll actually post this sh*t on a University-related website… but we don’t really care either way. So keep ’em coming! Post anonymously (or not, we encourage a shameless atmosphere here) in the comments or email Conor at cmorris40@gmail.com. 

Keep it sleazy, and see you next week.

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4 thoughts on “Speaksleazy: Rubber shopping, magic numbers and helping hands

  1. Elaborating on the ‘girls r sluts boys r studs’ thing- I also unfairly judge boys by how many people they’ve done. Mostly because of the (also unfair) assumption that you’re more likely to do and dump me or something.
    Again, unfair, but there are people like me out there opposite stereotyping you. So have fun worrying about that, worrying what everyone thinks of you will get tiring I bet.

    • Thanks for tryna start some discourse, we really appreciate it.

      That makes a lot of sense, actually. I’m not a girl and I haven’t been socialized to be a girl so I’ve never had that experience, and nobody has ever really talked to me about actually considering males less desirable because of the more sex they have. But honestly?

      I’m incredibly glad, haha. Everybody needs to be held accountable for their actions, regardless of gender, but at the same time people also need to L2CHILL OUT about the discrepancies between the numbers of two potential mates provided they’re both interested in each other.

      As long as you’re both safe and don’t use sex as a way of compensating for emotional problems or grudges or something awful like that, it shouldn’t have to be such a divisive issue.

  2. Let’s say you’re in an extended relationship, whether that’s fuck-buddy, or a boyfriend/girlfriend thing. What’s the best way to bring up your (potentially kinky) fantasies? Should you talk about it first, or come out in a french maid outfit and just tell him to go with it?

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