Hello, readers! And say “hello” to the fifth edition of Speaksleazy, Speakeasy’s semi-infamous relationship advice column curated by assistant managing editor Conor Morris and campus buzz editor Nikki Lanka.
This week we’ve once again got plenty of incredibly flattering questions from our wonderful readers. Let’s get right into it.
As usual, CM = Conor Morris and NL = Nikki Lanka
1. Anonymous asked: “Why the F*CK do dudes freak out when other guys walk in on them watching porn? ALL guys do it. If someone says they don’t they’re either lying or asexual. Instead of freaking out, closing the screen and probably rubbing semen everywhere in the process, why not just ask your dude to let you finish rubbin one out?”
NL: Well, your tone makes me think you’ve walked in on someone before, and they did this, making you irate. However, the thing is: you have no idea what kind of porn he was watching. For all you know, it was a video of your mom. Ohhhhhh shit!!
CM:Dude… DUDE. You are a complete and total genius. I think you just single-handedly solved every problem relating to awkward interruptions of porn-watching.
If you want a realistic answer, well… I guess I don’t know? I think there’s a certain amount of shame in our culture surrounding being caught doing sexual things without an actual partner. Also, like Nikki said, some people probably don’t want their bruhs knowing what kinda weird porn they watch.
2. Username “this-solid-buddy” asked: “If I sleep with someone who hates my best friend, am I a bad friend?”
CM: I mean, it depends on why the person you’re sleeping with hates your best friend. If they’re hatin’ for really dumb reasons that they should get over if they were actually an emotionally mature human, then that negatively reflects on you for sleeping with them.
If you’re best friends with the bubonic plague or a whole nest of rats or something like that, though, then I think you don’t have to feel bad about your sexual partner hating them.
NL: Eh… “bad friend” is a bit of a stretch. It’s a bit morally questionable but I don’t think the entire relationship you’ve developed with this person would be invalidated by one night with the enemy. It’s really up to your friend to set those terms I think, because he or she is the one who could be damaged by it. Your friend might have no problem with it and then you’d be in the clear. Though, if the individual you might sleep with calls out your friend’s name with a fiery, vengeful fervor in the midst of getting it on, you might have a problem.
3. Username “ThisIsFunnierIfYouPictureMeMorbidlyObese” asked: “Let’s say you’re in an extended relationship, whether that’s fuck-buddy, or a boyfriend/girlfriend thing. What’s the best way to bring up your (potentially kinky) fantasies? Should you talk about it first, or come out in a french maid outfit and just tell him to go with it?”
NL: I mean it depends on the fantasy. If you’re into furry stuff and foot fetishes you might want to discuss it over dinner beforehand, but I wouldn’t say pulling out the handcuffs from your nightstand drawer in the heat of the moment would be the worst thing in the world. Besides, if you bring it up and he’s down it’s probably going to happen right there and then anyway, so you might as well already be prepared.
CM: Everybody’s got fantasies. I actually prefer to bring up my fantasies on the first date so the girl knows what she’s getting into.
“Okay so if we were in a survival horror video game campaign in real life and I was the hardboiled but still effeminate-looking main character, what kind of female protag would you be? The really useless one or the really useless sexy one?”
That’s when they usually throw their drinks in my face. Just kidding, who even does that anymore? (If you do HMU 330-201-4678 I’ve got some special drink-throwing fantasies of my own.)
Thanks for checking us out once again, dudes and she-dudes. Glad you could make it and check out our killer set this week *shreds on air guitar lamely* *everybody leaves*.
As usual, submit as many questions as you can to us before the end of this week on Sunday!
Ask us whatever you want–comment anonymously in the comment section below, email Conor at email@example.com or just stop Nikki or I on campus and scream at us about your problems with sexual intimacy. We promise we’ll listen.