SpeakeasyENT: The REAL sexiest men alive

No, just no. Photo from People.

It’s hard to believe there was once a time when People’s Sexiest Man Alive award was actually relevant and/or accurate. Sigh, we miss you, Clooney.

We all remember the pain of Ryan Reynolds’s wildly inappropriate usurping of Ryan Gosling’s rightful place on the throne in 2010, and this year’s choice of Channing Tatum is no different. “Magic Mike” aside, dude hasn’t done it for us since “She’s The Man.” But at least he’s a better choice than Bradley Cooper. That was a dark time in our history.

So who’s the real Sexiest Man Alive? The ENT staff has more than a few ideas.

Michael Fassbender | Christian Law 

Michael Fassbender is the only man who can make an extremely disturbing film about sex addiction downright delightful. Photo from Collider.

Well hello there, Michael Fassbender! Where in the world did you come from? It’s like one minute, there were movies that were just okay, and then there were movies that flat out sucked. But then, on the mysterious eighth day, God created Mr. Fassbender, the man who has been in pretty much every movie released by Hollywood in the past year or so. He’s tackled every genre and made all of them sexier, for the betterment of America! Superhero films? Magnets are now sex toys! Depressing films about hunger strikes? I’ve never wanted to mount a potato faster. A biographical film that deals with life as a sex addict? Totally relatable!

How this man has been passed over for the Sexiest Man Alive award is unfathomable. Even when he’s playing a robot, he’s still the most appealing person on the ship (sorry Charlize Theron, please don’t stop texting me). He’s slated to appear in about 56 films in 2013, so that gives us weekly opportunities to ogle this hunk of man meat. Yes, a straight man said that. Man. Meat.

Now that he’s in front of more cameras than Ron Jeremy, maybe this will be the year that Fassbender assaults the world with a heat wave the likes of which we haven’t seen since that “Harry Potter” chick grew up. Here’s to hoping we get enough shirtless pics to hold us over for the rest of our lonely nights.

Andrew Garfield | Holly Coletta 

Andrew is one of the many reasons why we wish we could be Emma Stone. Boy may be awkward, but he can work a suit. Photo from Details.

I like British things (i.e. “Harry Potter,” tea, One Direction), but my favorite British thing is Andrew Garfield. He’s not fancy Englishman sexy like Daniel Craig, or tween fangirl dirty Englishman sexy like Rob Pattinson, but Andrew is so awkward and humble and adorable that it’s ridiculously sexy.

I almost died via swoon after “The Social Network” (two words: black button-ups. Six more words: his “f-ck you flip-flops” speech) and he was so cute I cried in “Never Let Me Go.” I even sat through the hot mess that was “The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus” because he had a cute sidekick-y role.

The moment I knew he was the Sexiest Man Alive, though, was when he was cast as Spider-Man. Is there anything sexier than a man who can make Spider-Man sexy? (No offense, Tobey, but ugh.) Not only was he cast as my fave superhero (shut up, Batman fans), but he was super geeked during all the promo interviews and was genuinely nervous about letting the fanbase down. Not that he ever could, though, because the boy had photographic proof that he was born for the role, a.k.a. he’d dressed up as Spider-Man when he was like 4. (I cannot.) I worried that his accent would be kind of awkward (and it was), but any misgivings I had about Andrew as Peter Parker immediately vanished after the first shot of him being all broody-photographer-in-a-hoodie.

The sexiest thing about Andrew Garfield (other than those big brown eyes, AMIRIGHT?) is that he doesn’t know he’s sexy. But fear not, Andrew. I know you’re sexy and the world knows you’re sexy and Emma Stone knows you’re sexy. High five, Emma. High. Five.

Joseph Fiennes | Ross Dickerhoof 

This hottie makes period pieces way more intriguing. Also did we mention he’s British? Photo from Melty.

Oh, Joseph. Your sexy brooding in “Shakespeare in Love” is probably the sole reason I own “The Complete Works of William Shakespeare.” I mean, really, how can you not think Joseph Fiennes is drop-dead gorgeous? He’s refined and intelligent, but playful and charming as well. He’s got a bit of an earthy everyman in him as well, but also an ethereal spark behind his eyes that just seems to bore into yours and hypnotize you. He’s currently playing a priest on “American Horror Story: Asylum,” so that adds a layer of that “forbidden fruit” appeal. (Don’t judge, you’re thinking it too.) All that, and he’s British. Any British guy is automatically a keeper.

So why was he passed over for the title of Sexiest Man Alive? Beats the hell outta me. How can you turn down William Shakespeare? How can you just say “meh,” to a guy who manages to out-sexy every single one of his co-stars in just about every film he’s in? I smell a conspiracy to keep the sexy British men down.

Just look at that face. That, ladies and gents, is the face of beauty.

Adam Levine | Jayme Pollock 

We can’t resist a bad boy. Especially one with the voice of an angel. Photo from Out Magazine.

I could sit here and list all the reasons why Adam Levine should be named the Sexiest Man of the Year. I could also sit here and list all the reasons air is good for your lungs but I’m pretty sure you don’t care, because it’s a fact. Which is why we should all just accept Adam Levine’s sexiness as fact.

From his fascinating falsetto to his tantalizing tatooed torso, Levine has been pop music’s greatest eye candy for almost a decade now. Ever since he stepped out with band Maroon 5, this lead singer has proved time and time again that not only is he hot, but the man is TALENTED. On “The Voice,” audiences can also see that Levine is a smart cookie with impeccable taste.

And if that wasn’t enough to convince you, his steamy sex scene with the wife of the current Sexiest Man Alive in “American Horror Story: Asylum” will send your genitals into a tizzy. The best thing about Adam Levine, though? He is unbelievably passionate for helping others in need, whether it’s supporting Red Cross or Teen Impact, a foundation dedicated to helping children and teens with cancer. (Yes, CHILDREN’S CANCER… the perfect man!)

I urge you all to pick up your pickets in protest and cause mass rioting in the streets because there is an injustice in the land that needs to be remedied. It is a crime for the man who gave us “Moves Like Jagger” to not be at the top of this list.

Alexander Skarsgård | Blake Tan 

Just when you thought you were over the sexy vampire craze… You’re welcome. Photo from Details.

As much I like Chris Hemsworth’s Thor, we all knew there was a sexier, manlier, Norse-ier choice out there. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Alexander Skarsgård. This strapping Swede is both an actor of impeccable talent, breeding (his dad is Stellan Skarsgård, who, coincidentally, played Dr. Erik Selvig in “Thor” and “The Avengers”) and finely sculpted physique is the obvious choice for the role.

You might also recognize him as the vampire Eric Northman from “True Blood,” who towers, both in physical terms and in level of attractiveness, over puny Stephen Moyer. That’s no mean feat either, especially since Bill Compton exudes his own undeniable magnetism. Sookie is one heck of a greedy hog to claim both studs. But of these two idolatrous sex-gods to whom we mere mortals pay tribute and worship, any sane woman (or man) would pick Alexander.

Channing Tatum might be People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive, but they probably weren’t looking hard enough. Look out over the writhing waves of the Atlantic, toward snowy Sweden, and you’ll know: There is still a god walking among us. He might not be the god of thunder, but he’s definitely the god of making me weak in the knees. His name is Alexander Skarsgård.

Who do you think deserves to be Sexiest Man Alive? (Say Ryan Gosling.) Does People have a conspiracy going on? Leave us a comment and let us know, or tweet us @SpeakeasyMag!

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