Dear Stephenie Meyer,
Please. No más. We don’t want to hear another word about how this celebration of codependency, manipulation and mutual abuse you’ve created is The Greatest and Truest Love EVER. The “Twilight” series (we refuse to call it a “saga”) is trash, it’s always been trash, and if anyone goes to see the (hopefully) final film adaptation of your so-called opus, “The Twilight Saga Series: Breaking Dawn — Part II,” they should go in knowing that it is trash.
Now, there is a place for trashy lit, and a place for personal fantasies. But what you, Stephenie Meyer, have done is placed your misogynistic, racist, morally repugnant and badly written fantasies on a pedestal above everyone else’s, and declared that they are Better Than Ours, and that yours are The Right Way. Not cool, honey.
Even more uncool than that is expecting us not to wish that resident Mary Sue Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart, emotionless as ever) had died from giving birth to Hellspawn — whoops, Renesmee — a half-vampire baby, at the end of “Part I.” When Bella awakens as a vampire, it makes one pray to the heavens that perhaps this transformation could change her character from the shallow, selfish, whiny piece of dead weight she’s been for four movies, or finally present her with an actual challenge. Nope. Bella masters being a vampire right away, with absolutely no problem managing that icky bloodlust that comes with being a newborn, despite that completely contradicting everything built up in “Eclipse.”
Oh, but that’s not the only problem with your downright despicable main character, Meyer. Now that Bella is a mother, what’s the first thing she decides to do? Hand the baby off to her new vampire family and have sex with her husband, Edward (Robert Pattinson, just as emotionally stunted as his co-star), of course! That’s what a real mother would do! That definitely conveys her (supposed) status as someone with natural maternal instincts!
The one time she actually shows any kind of concern for the creepily perfect child is when she finds out that (in a pointless and disgusting twist) her werewolf rapist stalker friend Jacob (Taylor Lautner, still a hunk… of wood) has “imprinted” on Renesmee, meaning that they’ll eventually… you know. And Renesmee will only ever look as old as sixteen, while Jacob has the body of a twentysomething. Ew. It’s a genuine cause for concern, but Bella seems to be more preoccupied with the weird nickname Jacob has given Renesmee: “Nessie.”
Further evidence to that theory comes from the ridiculously overblown central conflict, which is that the eeeeevil Volturi, the vampire government of sorts, takes objection to Renesmee’s existence because they think she’s a human child who was turned into a vampire, so they plot to kill her. Bella and Edward are all, “Oh no you didn’t!” and summon vampires from all over the world who have B-list “X-Men” powers to help fight off the Volturi, because of course these random people give two craps about these people they’ve never met.
There are no stakes in your story, Meyer. While normally we’d be all for the decision to add a big fight scene to the climax because then something would actually be happening, this overlong, badly edited fight actually makes everything seem even more ridiculous. “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2” had a big fight scene as well, but that was because it matched the scope of the story: if the good guys lose, a Hitler-esque dark wizard will rule the world. If the good guys lose in “Breaking Dawn,” then… one couple the audience doesn’t care about (because they have no f—ing flaws) who never really showed interest in a child before this don’t get to have a baby. Maybe some characters that are either terrible people or were too thinly written to matter anyway will die. Boo hoo. Even worse, this fight leads to a cop-out even bigger than the one in the book and undermines all the buildup.
With all the “dull surprise” acting from the leads, mustache-twirling villains, shoddy effects and laughable dialogue, this could have worked as camp if it didn’t take itself so damn seriously. In the end, “Breaking Dawn: Part II” is worthless except to the people out there who don’t mind you treating them like morons and shamelessly pandering to their basest interests. We hope that your next project will be something of actual substance, and that we won’t have use you as a snark piñata any more, because it is getting a bit old. We also hope it’s not related to “Twilight.”
Speakeasy Grade: F
“The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part II”
Starring Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner
Rated PG-13 for sequences of violence including disturbing images, some sensuality and partial nudity