Speaksleazy: Cuddlers, “Bang With Friends” and the Sarlacc Pit

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Welcome to the first Speaksleazy post of spring semester! Yayy!

It’s been far too long (our cold-blooded bodies have a rough time in the winter), but Nikki and I have just been aching to answer some of these winners. Let’s get right to it.

For those just now joining us:

CM = Conor Morris, a horrific abyssal ghoul.

NL = Nikki Lanka, our resident arsonist.

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Anonymous asked, “How do I go about telling my dude that I have a wide-set vagina?”

NL: Collect photos and stories of all your enemies into a journal, pass them around your high school and use the chaos as an opportunity to spill your secret. At that point your peers will be so obsessed with some girl getting hit by a bus that no one will care.

Sarlacc-Pit

Nikki specifically asked for a pic of the Sarlacc Pit to be coupled with this question. From underscoopfire.com

CM: This is a difficult sitch, especially since dudes are already absolutely TERRIFIED of “the vagina” (pictured above) half of the time.

But hey, everybody’s got different sizes and shapes of body parts. Important thing is to be comfortable with yourself and to be cool with your body. Once you get to that point, it shouldn’t matter what your boyfriend thinks about your junk, provided your general sizes aren’t completely incompatible.

If that ends up being the case, just be patient with each other and you’ll work something out.

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Gimmema Spaiss asked, “Is it weird that my boyfriend likes cuddling more than me? I know its cold, but damn.”

CM: Whoa whoa whoa, don’t h8… I’m a pretty big snugglemaestro* myself so I understand where yah boy is coming from. People who like cuddling are generally pretty loveydovey and also probably like adorable things like baby animals way too much. If that kind of sweetness makes you sick, though, I can see this behavior being a bit of an annoyance in your relationship.

Maybe try to set up designated cuddle times, wherein your dude can cling to you like hideous barnacle on a rusty old schooner for a set amount of time?

Sounds pretty romantic.

NL: Introduce a body pillow unto sleepy time so you both have a buffer zone to cuddle with. I recommend using a giant stuffed bear; if I learned anything from television, it’s that they’re usually pretty good company.

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Anonymous asked, “Why the hell does ‘Bang With Friends‘ exist?”

NL: “Bang With Friends” exists to cut out the pesky middle man of “communication” in order to have sex. Say you’re in class. The person next to you sends you a DTF message (I’m assuming that’s what they’re called), and bam. Strategically timed restroom break. ‘Cause who wants to go through the trouble of feigned interest in bland small talk in order to get naked for a stranger?

CM: The app’s goal seems to be to boil the entire social equation to just uh… sex with rando Facebook friends.

I dunno, man. I don’t think I wanna have sex with anybody I meet through Facebook? I’m always about one idiotic overtly political post away from deleting most of these assbeasts anyway.

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That’s it for this week!  Want more Speaksleazy advice goodness? Ask us any** question anonymously in the comments below, or shoot speakeasyeditor@gmail.com an email with “Speaksleazy” in the title. 

*An actual profession

**Seriously. We’ll answer any question you ask us. Send your penis questions in POSTHASTE.

One thought on “Speaksleazy: Cuddlers, “Bang With Friends” and the Sarlacc Pit

  1. Nice article. Jessica Nigri, famous cosplayer and babe booth recently described her vagina as a sarlak pit in a post regarding nudes. Essentially, she said that she’d never pose nude because she has “crocodiles for nipples” and a “sarlak pit for a lady piece.” This is Juliet from Lollipop Chainsaw we’re talking about, here.

    But yeah. Top notch 10/10 would fap and all that.

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