Hello there, lovelies. Many of you will be out having fun on Valentine’s Day with your significant other, be they male, female, or footwear (we do not judge here at You Don’t Have Enough Badges). Unfortunately for you, this article is not for you. Go have fun with your S.O. – it’s ok, it’ll be fun. Pick up some flowers. I recommend red tulips or roses – sticking to the classics is good. I’d just like to talk to those of us who will be alone this Valentine’s.
…are they gone? Ok, good. I love them, but I seriously cannot be around them right now, because, like you, I am going to be alone this Valentine’s. So, I have come up with this handy step-by-step guide on how to survive Valentine’s Day on your own.
Step One: Remember that it’s Valentine’s Day
Yes, it’s going to be an ugly moment. You’ve been having a good day so far, perhaps counting your stamps if you’re a particularly exciting person. But the realization, like the stinky cheese hidden under your futon, must unfortunately come to light.
Step Two: Remember you are alone
Ah, and there is the delightful odor of the bit of the cheese that had been resting against the heater, adding resignation to the knowledge that there will still be that funky smell in the room, no matter how well you clean.
But tortured similes aside, this realization is also unpleasant, and like the realization that it is Valentine’s Day, this is sad, but necessary. Take it in, and know this: It is ok.
Step Three: Question my judgment
Yeah, many of you will look at me the same way a matron elephant probably looks at people who speak to her in babytalk, but I have my reasons for telling you this – chief among these being signals from everywhere telling you that it is not ok. All of the shops that do seasonal displays? All of them are now filled with pink and red hearts, with pictures of people kissing or playing Yahtzee together lovingly (don’t look at me that way – Yahtzee can be a very passionate game). Every friend of yours who is in a relationship is showing that fact very prominently, whether they mean to or not. While writing this, I was literally interrupted by people selling Candy Grams, saying that I should send one to someone I like. Of course, they weren’t trying to be mean, but still. Depending on your personality, this means you must accept that everyone else is in a relationship and you aren’t, or avoid them.
Step Four: Choose avoidance
Well, fine, then. If that’s how it’s going to be, entire world, then I am going to have fun on my own. Take Timon’s sage advice from the Lion King: “When the world turns its back on you, you turn your back on the world.” Grab some cookies and soda; maybe some hooch, if you are a reader of sufficient age. Forget health tonight – tonight, nothing counts as bad. Wait, I think I may have accidentally reminded everyone about a love song. My bad.
Step Four: Go for the Double Stuf
This is not optional.
Step Five: Hole up
Now that you have your supplies, establish a nest – somewhere warm, away from danger, and most importantly, away from all of the sex that your non-single friends and roommates are probably having. Do something to take your mind off it. Maybe watch the Lion King and take a drink/cookie every time Mufasa says something wise, a lion growls, or a hyena laughs. Or, alternatively, watch Thankskilling (it’s on Netflix) and take a shot/cookie every time you think, “dang, this is a stupid movie.” Note: please don’t do this every time that something stupid happens in Thankskilling – I don’t want to hear about any alcohol or cookie-related deaths out there.
Step Six: Watch the Notebook
All right, so now it’s late, and you’re probably sloshed, so hey, why not? It must be worth something, given how, like an annoying younger sibling with two saucepans, people won’t stop banging on about it.
Step Seven: Cry
WHY DID I WATCH THAT MOVIE?! WHERE DID ALL OF THESE FEELINGS COME FROM?! THIS WAS A TERRIBLE MISTAKE. WHY? WHY?!
Step Eight: Try to pull yourself together
It’s ok. I am all right. It was just a movie. I am strong. I can handle this.
Step Nine: Fail
I WILL ALWAYS COME BACK TO YOU.
Step Ten: Go to sleep
Congratulations, my friends. If you have reached this step, then you have survived Valentine’s Day alone. Please remember, that no matter what you do this Valentine’s that you stay safe and sound.
Happy Valentine’s Day!