YDHEB: 12 good things about being in a long-distance relationship

1. You can take up the whole bed.

Oh, yes, my friends, where previously there had been potentially grumpy, resisting flesh, there is now nothing but air. Go ahead, stretch that arm out. Did it fall off the bed? That’s because you’re in the dorm beds. That is unfortunate. Enjoy your time not lying on the heater.

2. You get to keep your coat.

Shiver no more, friends, your coat is your own.

3. Epic moments when “Here I go again” by Whitesnake comes on.

You are walking along with your iPod on shuffle. Suddenly you hear those soft tones. You look down at your clenched fist, your feet planted firmly. Suddenly the drums cue you in, and you stride ahead as the beat matches your steps. Oh, yeah. You might as well have a woman dancing on the hood of your car in sheer white clothes – that is how awesome you become.

4. The restaurant is much cheaper.

I recall spending 50 dollars on a dinner for two, once. Now, if I were to spend that much on myself, I would be receiving a shoulder massage while I ate my hamburger. Hmm, on that note, I need to find myself 50 dollars …

5. You can talk to your SO while on the toilet.

uh-oh

Oh no. H-e-l-p space m- *plunk*
OH NO. Photo by stock.xchng.

Have you ever tried it? Nothing is more liberating than answering that inevitable “Hey, whatcha doing?” with “Taking a dump.”

6. You get to watch the movies that only you like.

Yup. It’s time for some “Star Trek.” My SO is a much larger “Star Wars” fan. Also I talk to my movies; I like to heckle the villains.

7. Your toothbrush is sacred.

toothbrush

Topped with the whitening paste of piety. Photo by stock.xchng.

It may just be me, but my toothbrush is treated much like the crown jewels – sequestered in its own compartment, and nobody is allowed to touch it, except for me. And, I suppose, the queen. This metaphor is a little off.

8. So is your shampoo.

This is less a problem from me, and more of one for the SO who I stole shampoo from.

9. You can have man talk (or woman talk).

Now I am able to talk frankly about the issues which matter the most – i.e. whether I would rather be able to fight and kill proficiently with Frisbees or Yo-yos. I am honestly not sure. On the one hand, Frisbees are long-distance, but are effectively single-use unless you carry around a backpack full of Frisbees. That, however, would just be silly.

10. Nobody questions the length of your bathroom visits.

Reading on the john no longer brings about questions on my health, or accusations of selling state secrets to the aliens (that second one may have been a dream that I had). Also, after spending long periods of time intellectualizing on the meaning of life or the heroic qualities of Aaron from Shakespeare’s Titus Andronicus while taking a shower, when I return, nobody gives me knowing looks and makes comments about how certain areas of my body must be much cleaner than certain other parts.

11. Your favorite hand gets stronger.

fist

Photo by stock.xchng.

Unfortunately, this one is mainly for our male readers.

12. Nobody back-seat videogames.

This is especially bad in “Skyrim.” I cannot watch my SO play, because the whole time I am telling her about items that she missed, good items, expensive items, which she refuses to pick up. And then, whenever she enters a cave system or a dungeon, and then inevitably gets lost, I, who seems to not have that particular problem, nearly die trying to keep from opening my mouth and say “THERE. That way. No, to your left. Your other left. Yes, there. No, not up the ramp, directly in front of you.” When I play, she talks about how I collect a ton of useless junk and how I don’t fight well.

Of course, she does have that whole, “several levels and several hundred thousand pieces of gold more than me” thing. Feh. It’s probably a coincidence.

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