All images are from stock.xchang, or http://www.sxc.hu
Everybody has been the third, fifth, or even seventh wheel at one point in their lives. For some, this is more often than not (says the man sitting alone in front of his computer).
Like much of our lives, though, there are certain rules to being the third wheel, which nobody bothers to tell anyone else.
Based on some personal experience, though, perhaps we should give it a try.
1. No sex while the other group is in the room
You’d think that this rule is obvious. Apparently, though, this is not the case. Allow me to repeat, because this is crucial: DO NOT HAVE SEX WHILE THE THIRD WHEEL IS IN THE ROOM.
This rule is also applicable to the Third Wheel. I am not sure about you, dear readers, but as sad and lonely as my own masturbation sessions are, it would be a thousand times sadder (although less lonely, I suppose) if I were to do so while my roommate and his girlfriend were in the room.
2. If you have separate rooms, then keep it down
It is not that the Third Wheel isn’t happy for you and your obvious good fortune, but it makes it awfully hard to cry yourself to sleep when all you can hear from the other room is a racket akin to a vigorous slap fight.
3. Keep the cutesiness to a minimum
Again, it’s not that I’m not happy for you. It’s just that you have to keep in mind that there are other people around you who are disinterested in how “cute” or “adorable” you think your girlfriend is or how you want your boyfriend to “lick your eyeball.”
Also, while tickle fights might be so cute to the people in it, it is significantly less so to the guy left sitting awkwardly in the room like the world’s most intrusive voyeur.
4. Also PDA
As a rule of thumb, I wouldn’t go farther than holding hands, quick kisses, and hugs. Anything farther than that in the public eye just makes those of us who are doing without boyfriend/girlfriend/attractive sheep feel the absence all the more.
5. Keep all clothes on if at all possible
Let’s put it this way. I don’t want to see either of you naked, just like you don’t want to see me naked. Or shirtless. Or probably shoe-less. Please restrict your nudist parties to times when I am not here. Also put down towels or something. Last time when I came back, my chair looked… suspicious.
6. Make sure your roommate is ok with it before you spend the night there
Because to be honest, no, I would rather you not sleep with the girl who uses dipping tobacco and then collects every ounce of her spit in bottles around the room.
7. Your SO’s mess is your problem
Think of it like your SO is a dog. For some of you this may be very easy. If your dog rips up the room and dumps trash everywhere, then it is your job to clean it up. That is, unless your dogfriend is Nana from Peter Pan.
8. Don’t fight in front of the third wheel
STOP FIGHTING! CAN’T YOU SEE YOU’RE TEARING THIS RANDOMLY ASSIGNED GROUP APART?
9. Your SO can’t touch the third wheel’s stuff
As the third wheel in this setup, I would like to just throw this out there:
Don’t touch my stuff.
Don’t think about touching my stuff.
Don’t even breathe too deeply near it.
Please don’t let your SO do any of the above either. Maybe it’s just me, but still.
Don’t touch my stuff.
10. The third wheel must leave the room from time to time
This is my side of the deal. I know that the other couple needs some time to bump wiggly bits. So, I pledge that every once in a while, I will visit home, or go to class all day, or something, and try not to think about what I might or might not walk in on when I get back.
A good idea is maybe to set up a text password. The guys across the hall from me my freshman year used the code, “The room is on fire.” Too bad for our third wheel, though, the couple were pyromaniacs.
11. Sex toys are private business
So, we are all people of the world, here. Over our lifetimes, all of us have acquired an assortment of straps, dongs, wands, rabbits, bullets, other assorted vibrators, rings, locks, clamps, costumes, lubricants, oils, collars, floggers, ticklers, masks, gags, ropes, candles, Ben Wa balls, condoms, enhancement gels/pills, strokers, and electric implements.
In any case, I never want to have exposure to you guys’ sex life, so please keep all of your strap-ons, plugs of various descriptions, or vibrating things to yourselves and hopefully in a drawer.
12. You don’t have to like the person, but you do have to be polite
Here’s where things go both ways. I have been in places where I liked the roommate’s SO, and I have been in situations where I didn’t, but in both cases, the only reason that we got through the day without arguments (or in one case probably waking up with feces on my face or something similar) is by being polite. It just makes everything more livable for all concerned.
To complain about your roommates, ask questions, or brag about your own sex toy collection, email Danny at email@example.com. It would make me very happy, and let me fall asleep with a little less weeping.