It is 10:00 pm. Glitter is dancing across the screen and I see glimpses of the most perfect bubblegum pink. Satin robes hang daintily off the models and I can practically feel the hunger from my dorm room. They are naming the angels. Candice. Alessandra. OMGGGGG. Wait, now Fall Out Boy is taking to stage. I could rant about why Fall Out Boy is the strangest choice for this show, but, I digress.  3, 2, 1… show time.

BRITISH INVASION

Overall, each individual outfit in this section was well-designed and executed, I admit. As a whole, however, I failed to get the true “London” feeling. It’s as if each outfit told its own story; they were all set in London, sure, but the outfits failed to come together and tell one story.

My least favorite outfit of this section was the rock-and-roll-holiday-pants outfit. Worn by first time angel Devon Windsor, the literal guitar, choker necklace and cheetah print bra won me over. But THOSE PANTS and the rather strangely fit red-velvet-shirt-slash-suspenders mishap ruined the outfit for me. Don’t worry, Devon, you’ll get your wings soon.

CANDICE. YESSSSSSS. I LOVE YOU.  How could Candice not be my favorite for this section? Swanepoel opened the show wearing the 10 million dollar bra and by, god, is she gorgeous. Oops I mean the bra, the bra is gorgeous. Her blonde hair, glowing makeup, HOT BOD and simple accessories all look perfect. The white gloves add the royal touch this outfit is going for, and heck, she sure looks like the Queen of the Runway.

SHIPWRECKED

All I have to say before this starts is if these girls walk out in seaweed or anything resembling Pirates of the Caribbean, I’m turning it off.  Thankfully, that is not the case. While the models don’t exactly look “shipwrecked”, there are a few extra rips and tears in their outfits. Honestly, the band A Great Big World and their song “Say Something” takes home the gold medal for this section.

One look I didn’t understand in this section is Lily Aldridge’s. I mean, damn girl, you look good, but I wasn’t aware that light pink lingerie and a bed sheet was the aftermath of a ship going down in the middle of the ocean. Where is the dirt and grunge associated with such a catastrophe?

I leave my critiques at the door, though, for Alessandra Ambrosio’s look. She is symbolizing water and looks equally as harmless in light blue lingerie, matching corset frame and lustrous fabric blooming behind her. Magical. Home run.

PARISIAN NIGHTS

To be honest, the fact that I’ve even been able to choose a “least favorite” outfit for each of the previous sections is somewhat upsetting; where is the elegant glamour with bling and feathers and red lipstick and fantasy that Victoria’s Secret is known for? Ahhh, “Parisian Nights.” Here we go.

Although I am obsessed with this section, there is one strut I am slightly less obsessed with. Cara Delevingne walked down the glittery runway with a perfect strut, but I’m sorry, I just can’t deal with her yellow kitchen-sink gloves. Her corset dress is too tailored and makes the 5 foot 10 inch beauty look hippy and stocky. Despite her wings, she isn’t exactly looking angelic.

All is forgiven, though, because of Lima’s outfit in this section. Red wings, red bustier, red gloves, red ERRYTHING. The pure luxury of this outfit amazes me, and god knows the seasoned angel worked it down the runway with all the drama and sexiness a bombshell could muster. I literally want to rip this off of her and wear it to the grocery store, that’s how much I love it. And the outfit only holds half of the beauty; Lima’s face and hair looks flawless. THIS is the Victoria’s Secret we all know and adore.

BIRDS OF PARADISE

God I’m really nervous for what they are going to bring out right now… birds of paradise… this could go really bad. Since when are birds sexy? All of the girls look like peacocks and turkeys; glamorous ones, of course, but flying creatures nonetheless. Gobble gobble?

The worst of the worst, however, has to go to Hilary Rhoda’s tragic shoulder explosions. I mean really, if somebody could please inform me of what kind of bird this is trying to resemble, I’d be thrilled. Sick abs, Hilary, but this bird definitely wouldn’t be in my version of paradise.

I literally can’t even select a favorite outfit from this section. Just one question:

WHEN IS THE PINK SECTION COMING?!

PINK

This Pink section is like nothing I’ve ever seen before… and not in a good way. I feel like the Pink Gods are on ecstasy, and even though I appreciate the bright colors and emojis, these outfits are not fun and playful. They are over-designed, tacky and, dare I say… tween-like.

Due to the excessive amount of calamities in this section, I once again do not have a favorite. Rather, I will share my most awful parts of a few of the outfits.

That HAT and those SLEEVES. What is the WORLD is sexy about those?

Tiger striped jumpsuit with the front missing plus black and yellow panties plus a floral bra and headphones… No.

Her hoodie screams disco and her skirt screams tango. Explanation: needed.

SNOW ANGELS

Taylor Swift is on stage and the world can go back to being amazing. Bring on the models!

No amount of money could make me choose an outfit from this section that is my least favorite. No words are even needed to say why these outfits are to die for. Please enjoy at your own leisurely pace.

It’s 10:58 and no matter how poorly I may have reviewed a few of the segments, that last segment took my breath away and won me over snowflake by snowflake. I am fabulously content and impatiently waiting for the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show 2014.

Until next time, Angels, xoxo.

Bianca