8 things that were never really hipster

America’s hipster. Please stop trying to make it happen. Photo from americansongwriter.com.

\‘hip-ster\: a subculture of men and women typically in their 20s and 30s that value independent thinking, counter-culture, progressive politics, an appreciation of art and indie-rock, creativity, intelligence, and witty banter.

Hipsters are everywhere, especially the local coffeehouse. These self-proclaimed individualists have taken over college campuses and big cities across the country and it doesn’t look like they’re going anywhere anytime soon. With an emphasis on independent thinking in the definition above, we’re calling out hipsters on their not-so-hipster-isms.

Coffee: More specifically, Starbucks, which has become a basic food group for hipsters. There is no way of knowing why hipsters are so fascinated with coffee or why it is they think the idea of coffee is so new and original. NEWSFLASH: Coffee has been around since the 13th century. There is nothing original about it.

Cool glasses: Elton John. Johnny Depp. Teddy Roosevelt. If cool glasses are hipster, consider these dudes the founding fathers of hipsterism. Johnny Depp has been rockin’ the thick framed glasses since his days as Ichabod Crane in “Sleepy Hollow.” Elton John has been donning funky frames since before the release of his hit Tiny Dancer in 1971. Teddy Roosevelt was sporting spunky spectacles in 1901, for goodness sake! Sorry to burst your bubble, hipsters, but groovy glasses are totally been there, done that.

Reading: It’s almost unfathomable reading has become a hipster-ism, considering reading has been around since the beginning of time (probably before), when cavemen drew pictures of prehistoric animals and disproportionate human beings on cave walls. Sure, you’ve got your hipster classics (“The Perks of Being a Wallflower” and “A Clockwork Orange,” to name a few), but come on, guys. Reading? Does the back of a cereal box count?

Soooo mainstream. Photo from travelsofadam.com.

Soooo mainstream. Photo from travelsofadam.com.

Mac laptops: Considering “hipsters” love all things vintage, it’s hard to understand why Mac laptops are so appealing to the “hipster” subculture. You’d think they’d be seen lugging Windows computers circa 1981 around town, but Macs have become a staple hipster-ism. Hipsters, however, may not be so out of line when it comes to their loyalty to Apple – only 10.8 percent of the population uses Mac computers. Way to be, hipsters. Maybe you’re not a buncha posers, after all (yes you are).

Skinny jeans: Skinny jeans are a staple when it comes to hipster style. And considering boot-cut jeans are sold nowhere nowadays, skinny jeans must be an unparalleled fashion trend. FALSE. Skinny jeans are everywhere. Girls wear them. Guys wear them. Heck, moms have retired the mom-jean and are rocking skinnies. It’s about time hipsters adopt a new staple denim pant. Mom-jeans, perhaps?

Being environmentally responsible: Being environmentally responsible should not be a fashion statement, but hipsters have adopted eco-friendliness as yet another hipster-ism. Hipsters, you’re attempts to save the world one biodegradable coffee cup at a time are being overlooked by the undertakings of actual eco-heroes. Sorry, not sorry.

Keds: A favorite among 88-year-old nursing home residents. ‘Nuff said.

Wearing knit caps in the summertime: There’s just something about sporting a knit cap in the summertime that screams “I’m trying too hard.” Unless hipsters are going for the “deadbeat delinquent” look, donning knit caps in 80 degree weather is a big no-no. Besides, your sweaty hat hair isn’t doing you any favors.

Hipsterism is alive and well, but the definition has been contorted by hipster wannabes in the most unfortunate way. It isn’t a compilation of recycled trends and unoriginal ideas, but an individual undertaking to not only be yourself but to be satisfied with who you are, what you believe in, and what you enjoy. This misconstrued idea of hipsterism has overshadowed what it really and truly is – individuality. Besides, Keds aren’t doing anybody justice.

What makes you a hipster? Tell us @Speakeasymag!

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