Why I’m checking out early: “American Horror Story Hotel” impressions

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Photo courtesy of latimes.com

Two blondes walk into a hotel… That is the scene that sets off this joke of a season.

After we lived in the Murder House, escaped the Asylum, joined the Coven and attended the Freakshow, us “American Horror Story” fanatics are now stuck in a season that revolves around the tired subjects of sex, drugs and blood-thirsty vampires. Pardon me, “bloodsuckers.” The show’s creator, Ryan Murphy, refuses to call these creatures vampires due to their lack of fangs. Instead, the victims of these beings are stabbed and cut, the gory images being the only scare factor in this used-to-be horror show.

The season is also jam-packed with serial killers, biblical commandments, kidnapping, a failing marriage, love triangles, vampire children, drug addicts, new characters coming out of the woodwork, way too many slit throats and enough subplots to make your head spin from the moment you start watching. But not to worry, most characters are killed off mid-subplot and are deemed irrelevant before you’re able to make any real connection to them.

Now that I’ve ranted enough about the plot, or lack thereof, let’s discuss the casting.

Some of our favorite season regulars make the cut, including Evan Peters, Sarah Paulson, Denis O’Hare and Lily Rabe. Kathy Bates and Angela Bassett appear for their third seasons and Finn Wittrock is back for his second season. Season regular Lily Rabe appears in only one episode.

We’re fairly familiar with the cast we’ve been given, but what about the new recruits?

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Photo courtesy of americanhorrorstory.wikia.com

Though Lady Gaga is praised for her successful music career and exotic publicity stunts, the character she portrays is entirely flat.

Showing virtually no emotion, Countess Elizabeth Johnson is a mystery no one cares enough about to solve.

The character lacks depth, and all we can conclude about her is that she’s a bloodsucker that toys with the emotions of her ex-lovers. She also has some kind of baby creature for some reason.

Up until this point, the leading lady has always been Jessica Lange, and it isn’t a surprise that the newbie is having a hard time filling the shoes of an actress with two Oscars, three Emmys, five Golden Globes, a SAG Award and three Dorian awards.

Matt Bomer plays a man turned bloodsucker, Donovan, who hates his mother for ridding him of a careless father and putting him on a vegetarian diet. Yeah, I don’t get it.

Meanwhile, newcomer Wes Bentley, who appeared on one episode of the previous season, “Freakshow,” is putting on a fairly impressive performance. His character, John Lowe, is a detective driven mad by the influences of the hotel as well as his failing marriage.

Chloë Savigny from the second season, “Asylum,” plays Lowe’s wife, Alex, who (*SPOILER ALERT*) loves her long-lost and newly-found son so much, she decides to become a not-a-vampire vampire in order to be with him forever(END OF SPOILERS).

I haven’t even listed half of the characters, and you can already see where things get messy. Somewhere between booby-trapped hotel corridors, the newly-developing not-vampire vampire kid army (that hasn’t been brought up since that plot began) and Elizabeth’s deformed, undead child, it isn’t hard to see where I got lost.

So, if you ask me, this season is not worth watching. It’s nothing more than a messy compilation of scenes featuring fame, fortune, sex and violence. I have already wasted six hours of my life on this show, and I suggest you don’t do the same.

Save yourself. Stop watching after “Coven.”

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