President’s Day special: which presidents can “get it?”

With Valentine’s Day on Friday and President’s Day Monday, a few of the writers of Speakeasy felt it would be fun to choose which Presidents could and could not be our Valentines. These opinions are strictly appearance based, stemming from the official presidential portraits of each president when elected to office. These opinions in no way reflect the political beliefs of the publication or its staff and are simply meant for entertainment purposes.

George Washington

Julie: No, as big as he is, it’s a no
Ben: No, he has wooden teeth
Maddie: No, I’d rather not get a splinter
Aaron: The Chuck Norris of the 1700s. I think that answers the question

John Adams

Julie: No, he has the biggest small guy energy
Ben: No, he’s too round
Maddie: No, he looks like a baby
Aaron: I personally wouldn’t, but I mean we have verifiable evidence coming up that he did, in fact, get it 

Thomas Jefferson

Julie: No, he seems full of himself
Ben: No, pointy nose, big chin and probably overrated
Maddie: Yes, we all know he had a promiscuous side
Aaron I feel like he would try to be very flirtatious with words and it would either be a boom or a bust

James Madison

Julie: Absolutely not. Just no.
Ben: No, he looks absolutely miserable
Maddie: No, looks like an alien should be living inside him and piloting his body
Aaron: I plead the 5th

James Monroe

Julie: Yes, but only if I’m desperate, which I often am
Ben: Yes,  handsome despite looking like a Keebler elf
Maddie: No, who even is this?
Aaron: No but I wouldn’t have much of a shot anyway since he liked getting involved with foreigners

John Quincy Adams

Julie: No, he has seen some things I bet. Don’t want that baggage
Ben: No, looks like he has died, been resurrected and then died again
Maddie: No, looks too much like Anthony Hopkins from Silence of the Lambs
Aaron: No. I’m glad this was the end of the Adams family

Andrew Jackson

Julie: THE BIGGEST NO ON THE LIST, he looks like he saw his mother naked too many times as a child
Ben: No, he has a huge widows peak and looks like he is about to cry
Maddie: No, he somehow has too much hair and not enough
Aaron: No. The wrong kind of crazy

Martin Van Buren

Julie: No. Van Boring. Boo
Ben:  No, he is hilarious looking and all of his hair moved from the top of his head to the sides
Maddie: Yes, especially if that’s money he’s holding
Aaron: No. Maybe not having little in your nickname would’ve helped you buddy

William Henry Harrison

Julie: I’m kind of into it, I’m going with yes
Ben: Yes, my favorite  president, I respect the commitment, does like an asshole though
Maddie: No, I showed his picture to my friend and her immediate reaction was “Oh no, absolutely not”
Aaron: No. The evidence shows he wouldn’t last very long

John Tyler

Julie: No. He seems like he’d ask me to make the bed afterwards
Ben: No, he’s balding and does not take care of the paper he is holding
Maddie: Yes, look at that power stance, he’s definitely been around
Aaron: No. More like tippecanoe and Tyler is a 2

James K. Polk

Julie: No one with a weird mullet is allowed. Ever
Ben: No, looks like Piglet from Winnie the Pooh
Maddie: Yes, looks like he’s just happy to be here
Aaron: I don’t know, I just can’t read his polker face

Zachary Taylor

Julie: Not it chief. No
Ben: No, he looks like literal dirt
Maddie: Yes, he just got back from war and is ready to do it
Aaron: Yes. That outfit in his portrait carries

Millard Fillmore

Julie: He has too big of a head…the knowledge he must possess…too much for me to handle
Ben: No, he looks like Alec Baldwin who cannot get it
Maddie: No, his name is Millard
Aaron: No. If your name is Millard in 2020 I deeply apologize

Franklin Piece

Julie: Yes, back in the day he could ABSOLUTELY GET IT
Ben: YES, perfect twink king with nice swoopy hair
Maddie: Yes, anyone who can get their hair to look like that without any product can get it
Aaron: Yes. Low key might be #1

James Buchanan

Julie: Fire him out of a cannon
Ben: No, just everything about him looks terrible
Maddie: Yes, strong Hugh Heffner vibes, to the confusion of everyone else he definitely pulls much younger women
Aaron: No. If we can’t trust him to give a crap about a country going to war with itself, we can’t trust him in the bedroom

Abraham Lincoln

Julie: Yes, I’m a sucker for tall, thin, men with sharp features. Also that hair looks soft
Ben: Yes, he was how tall? 😉 😉 😉
Maddie: Yes, he has a very strong energy
Aaron: Yes. Honest Abe knows how to keep it civil

Andrew Johnson

Julie: I’m taking a risk and going with yes, he kind of seems shady and I’m here for that sketchiness in those beady eyes. Mischief will always get you the girl
Ben: No, needs to take a chill pill
Maddie: No, would definitely murder someone
Aaron: No, I was making a good joke here but he messed with the reconstruction 

Ulysses S. Grant

Julie: Yes, I like the beard and I feel like he gives good hugs.
Ben: No, more like chill uncle energy
Maddie: Yes, a teddy bear, also you could say you slept with someone named Ulysses
Aaron: Yes. He’d be a fun drinking buddy

Rutherford B. Hayes

Julie: Same level with Grant but is somehow a worse version of him? Pass
Ben: No, he has Rip Van Winkle energy
Maddie: Yes, seems like he should be in charge of a large estate
Aaron: Yes. Best beard.

James A. Garfield

Julie: Looks like a worse version of Hayes. Pass
Ben: No, too bald in comparison to the beard
Maddie: Yes, strong lumberjack vibes
Aaron: No. I just don’t want to be on the record saying garfield can get it’s

Chester A Arthur

Julie: Did not know this man existed. Looks like a good muppet character. Not it for me
Ben: No, that mustache should be a crime
Maddie: No, looks like the Lorax
Aaron: Yes. That mustache is a power play

Julie: I bet he has a nice personality but he can not get it. I’m sorry
Ben: Yes on the first term, No on the second
Maddie: No, looks like an Italian mob boss
Aaron: He can get it as soon as the browns turn into a respectable franchise

Benjamin Harrison

Julie: I kind of vibe with the facial hair and his soft features. I say yes
Ben: No, looks like he thinks too highly of himself
Maddie: No, seems like he would be a stern grandpa
Aaron: Yes. gotta give an Ohio River boy some love

William McKinley

Julie: His eyebrow game is too strong. I’m scared
Ben: No, he looks confused
Maddie: No, looks like he should be hiding in a dark corner somewhere
Aaron: Yes. Given his reputation, I’d say he’s got a fair shot

Teddy Roosevelt

Julie: Yes, he could take me on adventures
Ben: YES, the bear to pierce’s twink, exudes confidence
Maddie: Yes, mainly because Robin Williams played him in “Night at the Museum”
Aaron: Yes. the right kind of crazy

William Howard Taft

Julie: I’m rooting for him. But no
Ben: No, closer than I would have thought, but no
Maddie: No, he got stuck in a bathtub
Aaron: HELL YES SUPREME THICCNESS

Woodrow Wilson

Julie: He seems sweet. I’ll give him a chance, he may surprise me because he’s tall and fit-ish
Ben: Yes, seems like a very nice wise man
Maddie: Yes, looks like Mr. Rogers, could pull off a nice cardigan
Aaron: Oh yeah! He will get a son

Warren G Harding

Julie: No, he looks like a frog that became human but is doing a bad job acclimating
Ben: No, he looks mean
Maddie: No, he looks too scary
Aaron: Who?

Calvin Coolidge

Julie:  No, he’s scary and sharp
Ben: No, I have never seen someone so depressed
Maddie: No, just no, looks like a serial killer
Aaron: Yes. That guy rocks

Herbert Hoover

Julie: No, too old and too square
Ben: No, the painter did him dirty I’m sure, but his face is too small for his head
Maddie: No, looks like he’s been embalmed
Aaron: Yes. Although he isn’t very stocky he’s made a lot of people say dam

Franklin D. Roosevelt

Julie: Yes, absolutely yes, I don’t care what stage of the disease he is at, yes
Ben: Yeah sure
Maddie: Yes, just seems like a nice man
Aaron: Yes. He’s got me paralyzed

Harry S Truman

Julie: No he looks like someone who easily got bullied
Ben: No, I like the glasses, but he looks literally evil
Maddie: Yes, looks like Steve Martin
Aaron: Yes. I’m a glasses stan what do you want me to say?

Dwight D. Eisenhower

Julie: No his head is shaped like a lightbulb but his face looks like a newborn deer. I am unsettled
Ben: No, he has a five-head
Maddie: No, his brittle bones would snap in half if things got even a little rough
Aaron: Yes. Generally I’m a fan of his

Julie: Yes, come on
Ben: Yes, the quintessential hot president
Maddie: Yes, do I even need a reason? Why do you think he got elected?
Aaron: His portrait really does not do him justice

Lyndon B Johnson

Julie: Yes, he has that silver fox going and I’m somewhat here for the big-ish nose
Ben: No, doesn’t look like he wants to be there
Maddie: No, I don’t know why, he just looks like a man
Aaron: If you know you know

Richard Nixon

Julie: The nose is too much. No
Ben: No on nose alone
Maddie: No, he would definitely go through my phone when I’m sleeping
Aaron: No. I’m not really comfortable with the environment he created

Gerald Ford

Julie: No, he looks as interesting as the color eggshell
Ben: No, he looks like a creep
Maddie: No, looks like the McDonald’s mascot Grimace
Aaron: I mean can I get a free car if I say yes

Jimmy Carter

Julie: Yes, something about that kind of farmer vibe he gives off is just a green light for me.
Ben: No, I don’t trust that smile
Maddie: Yes, he would put his lady’s pleasure first
Aaron: Yes. He’s a good boy

Ronald Reagan

Julie: Too old, too wrinkly, would have been good in his prime
Ben: Yes, even at his old age, that hot actor is trying to jump out
Maddie: No, more like Ronald Raisin
Aaron: Yes. As a kid I used to think Ronald Mcdonald and Ronald Reagan were the same person

George HW Bush

Julie: Those teeth…those will be in my nightmares
Ben: No, his head is too tall. He looks like ventriloquist dummy
Maddie: No, looks like the asparagus from Veggie Tales
Aaron: I’m not gonna beat around the Bush, No

Bill Clinton

Julie: No, just no. I don’t like messy men
Ben: Yes, just the right level of terrible
Maddie: Yes, he can walk me home any time
Aaron: No. The joke is too easy

George W Bush

Julie: No, he’s probably more flexible than me which is intimidating
Ben: Yes, just looks like he’s having a blast
Maddie: Yes, unfortunately, he can get it
Aaron: No. Like Father like son

Barack Obama

Julie: Yes but I don’t want Michelle to get mad
Ben: Yes, great smile and great style
Maddie: Yes, no question, he’s a dilf
Aaron: Yes. But man those pre and post pictures really show the stress of the job

Donald J Trump

Julie: No. He’s definitely not among the worst on the list looks-wise but the body isn’t for me
Ben: Orange is my favorite color and still, no
Maddie: No, just no
Aaron: I mean him being the oldest president to ever be elected means it’s not really in the cards.

All photos courtesy of whitehouse.gov

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